A New Year

So much has happened. Perhaps that story is for another day. Suffice it to say, this evening, I find myself quite... solitary.

I am thusly by my own choices... mostly. But regardless, this evening seems to be the perfect time to have a clean slate.

There is a practice amongst some pagans whereby they study for a year and a day before they are rightly initiated into certain traditions. As I have not found a group, I am a solitary practitioner. I have been a solitary practitioner of sorts since August 2010. I still have the note I made to myself the year I committed to giving myself a year and a day to sort through my former practices. I found them mostly easy to discard as they had become burdensome and toxic. The year was more a time of unravelling and deconstructing.

In the following years, I found small ways to begin following my pagan leanings. Mostly, my practices involved watching the moon and being aware of her phases. I would cast my wishes into a fire, set intentions, pray and sing and dance beneath her light. I became free to stand in my own intuitive beliefs.

This evening of new moon and thinning veil, I wish to dig deeper. I am reading through two books to assist me in my study. A year and a day to study more deeply, more earnestly. To find my weekly and monthly practices.

One of the lessons is to consider a list of words:
wicca
witchcraft
power
ritual
occult
pagan
spell
earth religion

I confess, I find myself comfortable reading about them and writing about them behind the privacy of my laptop. But I don't engage in daily conversations where these words are part of my normal vernacular. Why? Fear of negative reactions of others? Oh yeah!!

As I have studied, I come more and more to believe in a kind of magic. Not in some hocus pocus way. I find magic to be more of the change in me. It is as if I am more energetically connected to the Universe. Unfortunately, I don't always trust my intuition. Or maybe I just don't listen to it. The magic is when I do pay attention. Things happen. Are they coincidences?? I don't think so. I think it is more like Jung says... synchronicity. It is like being tuned in. When the Universe sends the message, it is important to be aware of it. Then when things come into our paths that we were already aware of, we are ready. It seems coincidental, but really, we were just tuned in.

I mention synchronicity because all the things that are coming together right now in my life seem heavy. But perhaps it is the right time for a clean slate. How appropriate is it that I find myself at this eve of a new year (according to pagan calendars) relationally free? And even more so that I took the initiative in each situation. Some, I may have dwelled in too long. Emotionally, I may have a harder time disconnecting from others. But I did not leave the ideas hanging... waiting... open ended. I closed the doors. And how interesting is it, as I think upon it, that there were three endings within a week? A trifecta. That is my sign. It is the smallest of nudges in my spirit that helps me to know this is the right path. A breadcrumb. A reminder. A cairn in my spiral path reminding me that this is the way.

As I sign off, this hallowed evening, I offer this prayer:

Summer Reading

I've been challenged to do a blog post on my summer reading list. Do you have your summer reading list yet?

I have a few books that have been on my shelf waiting for my attention and a few new (to me) books that I want to tackle this summer. Here is my list:

• "The Tao of Turning Fifty" by Jennifer Boire
• "Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner" by Scott Cunningham
• "Drawing Down the Moon" by Margot Adler
• "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" by Anne Rice
• "The Mermaid Chair" by Sue Monk Kidd

"Tao" was a gift I received several years ago. I have notes, tabs and glued in images all throughout dating back to 2011. I have not read it all the way through yet, so this is the first book I want to finish. I have loved interacting with it. I am on the eve of my 50th birthday, so I can think of no better time to get this one read!

The others are from a few different used book stores. I LOVE used books stores! Especially the dusty, books-stacked-to-the-ceiling, get-lost-in-the-maze type of book stores! I usually browse and sneeze my way through... but you never know what kind of treasures you will find in that type of place.

So... what's on YOUR summer reading list??

Ode to the Full Moon and Summer Time

Stonehenge: wikipedia

On Tuesday evening (6/21), I carved out a little time for my full moon ritual. It was also Litha or summer solstice. Even more reason for me to acknowledge the calendar.

The thing I love about mish-mashing my way through these times is that I can make them as elaborate or as simple as I like. Tuesday was simple, but meaningful. And powerful. I would have loved doing this outside, but it wasn't going to happen... heat, humidity, haze... not a great view of the beautiful moon. And I live underneath a bunch of 100 year old trees so it is late in the evening before I see her rise. This evening, I held my ritual inside.

I gathered my tools first...

matches

candle 

(I recently purchased a small while pillar candle for this evening)

white sage

incense

(my favorites are dragon's blood and nag champa)

slips of paper

pen

fireproof bowl

I settled in front of my altar. I smudged the area and all the tools I would be using. I started off by thinking about what things I needed to release or what behaviors needed changing. These full moon rituals are like a small New Year's resolutions. Each month, I get to purge energy that is dragging me down. I wrote the things that came to mind on my slips of paper.

I arranged my altar with things that are meaningful for me. Shells, ocean water, selenite, a large shell that holds the sage, sage, candles. 

One by one, I read my slips of paper out loud... "I release this... Be gone!" One by one, I placed the strips into my bowl and set them on fire. 

When each slip of paper had been reduced to ashes, I thanked the Moon and the power and energy that surrounds this kind of evening and welcomed the summer. This was my ritual.

Each one of us can find a meaningful way to mark the sabbats and esbats. The rules, for me, are meaningless. I try to create a template and then fill it in, depending on the time and setting. It takes the stress out of the planning and makes if feel free rather than restrictive.  

If someone tries to tell you... "You need to do it precisely this way or else"... just smile and walk away. 

If you are mish-mashing your way through this journey, creating a new path, I hope you will share your thoughts with me. 

Bleeding Words

I'm not really a poet. But sometimes, my emotions are too big to give words. I can write and write and still never feel like I've fully expressed myself.

That's where haiku comes in. The rule of haiku is the structure. 5-7-5. Line one. 5 syllables. Line two. 7 syllables. Line three. 5 syllables. If you add two more lines of 7 syllables each it becomes tanka. These are Japanese forms of poetic structure. And while I don't know the history behind either, I know that the forces structure makes me choose only the most necessary words. It's a discipline of sorts.

Usually, my haiku/tanka/free verse are about the brokenness and loneliness I'm experiencing. Here are a few I've written over the past several months.

Zen #atozblogchallenge

Morgan Mistretta
@thatncphotographer

I've done it. I've gotten to the end of this blog challenge. I managed to get every letter, even though I was late with some posts. But I finished it out. 

I'm ending with "zen" and some quotes to help find that place, that space, the quiet, the altar where we meet ourselves.

“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.” 

― Thich Nhat Hanh 

“Letting go is the lesson. Letting go is always the lesson. Have you ever noticed how much of our agony is all tied up with craving and loss?” 

― Susan Gordon Lydon 

“Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.” 

― Bodhidharma 

“Who we are now is all that really matters.” 

― Amy Joy 

“You don't think your way back to joy; you open to it.” 

― Donna Quesada

Yoni #atozblogchallenge

Our sexuality has been relegated procreating and serving men. 

But Yoni is our sacred space, our mystery, the gateway to feminine energy.

It is ours to give and to control. 

But it is also for our joy and pleasure.

Men have been allowed to explore their sexuality since the beginning of time.

Women have been shamed when they act accordingly.

I believe it is time for women to get in touch with their sacred sexuality.

Yoni

Goddess

Shiva

Womb

Vagina

Sacred

Xenophobia #atozblogchallenge

We are so afraid.

Of the one who is not the same.

Of the one who is the nonconformist.

Of the one who will not adhere to social norms.

We are so afraid of the one who will speak up and speak out and look different and be different and sound different and worship differently and love differently.

Wars are started because we will not be tolerant of others differences.

Riots break out because we are not happy when someone wants the same rights as us… 

When they do it, it looks odd.

The Baptist are afraid of the Pentecostals.

Christians are afraid of Muslims.

Whites and blacks… and browns.

They have a funny accent.

Can’t they just speak English?

It makes me uncomfortable to see public displays of affection in public.

And my children are watching for gods sake!

The truth is that we all come in the same place.

We all die and go into the ground.

We all bleed the same blood!  

We cry the same salty bitter tears.

We are the same… in so many more ways than we are different.

I have a friend… No really an acquaintance. I like to think of her is my nemesis, even though I'm told I'm too old to have a nemesis!! 

Never!

At one time we thought similarly.

But as I've aged and my children have pushed me beyond boundaries I never thought I'd see and after I faced ostracization and shunning from a community that was supposed to be loving… I have changed the way I see people.

I don't have a lot of patience with narrow minded views. I see them as bigots. As homophobic and as racist.

Those are harsh accusations. And I standby them because of the actions I've seen. But in reality I have tried to become more tolerant towards them, because I see them as ignorant.

Ignorant

[ig-ner-uh nt]

adjective

1.lacking in knowledge or training; unlearned:

an ignorant man.

2.lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact:

ignorant of quantum physics.

3.uninformed; unaware.

4.due to or showing lack of knowledge or training:

an ignorant statement.

Ignorance can be fixed.

With education and communication.

And patience.

No, I don't claim to be enlightened. Life experiences have changed me.

Hard questions that could no longer be answered from my belief system.

Doubt which led to personal research.

History that became tradition and mythology rather than fact.

Falling in love with people who were … different.

I'm still ignorant. But my mind and heart are open to people.

Not their religion.

Not there gender identification.

Not there sexual orientation.

Not their differences.

But our similarities.

Woman #atozblogchallenge

Vilified since Lilith
Even before Eve took a bite
Creating licentiousness and lust

Your curves and your curls
The bat of your eyes
The sway of your hips

The way you whisper coyly
And vex men's hearts
Causing them to stumble along their paths

Temptress
Vixen
Maybe you are even a harlot

Always drawing them to the edge
Because without your sweet sin
Their species would not plunge into your softness

Woman
The cause of the fall
But also the creator of all

Venus #atozblogchallenge

Venus

Goddess of beauty

Sexuality

Erotica

She was not afraid to pursue the one she desired.

But Venus represents the fertile imagination also.

She encourages us to create something incredible.

She stimulates our creativity.

While she may be pure libido and passion,

this passion can easily extend into other aspects of our lives.

Venus lives in us all when we pursue love with abandon.

Or when we are creating something new.

Do not resist her drive. The gods were unable to resist her.

And you are a mere mortal.

Let her consume you as she did her lovers.

Watch what she gives birth to in your life.

Universe #atozblogchallenge

I have a theory.

My theory is that all the things that we see and even things that we cannot see are made up of energy. And that all of this energy is somehow connected. My theory is that the universe and all that is in it is a type of organism. And when any part of the organism suffers then it affects the other parts. It might not always affect the whole drastically, in a way that you can see. For example; when we know that the rain forest is being depleted, we don't necessarily see immediate impact on us here in the states. But we are impacted.

My theory has been put to a serious test of late, on a couple of accounts.

Lately, I feel like I am bleeding friends. And family.

As a part of this organism in this present universe, this loss has affected me, yet I guess I am such a minute part that the over all affect is barely perceptible. It causes me to wonder at my own ability to perceive the pain and sadness in others, even as an intuitive and empathetic person.

I have a friend who says he asks the Universe for what he wants. He projects that desire and that energy out. I have another friend who has these dreams that feel like energetic universal connections. It's as if the people in his dreams are sending signals. Or maybe his dreams are signals he's sending.

I know this half baked theory of mine is really only part of a true theory. Only I'm trying to develop my way to it rather than read a book and follow some guru. So for now, the idea of universal energy and connectedness is very mystical and magical for me. And is something I daydream about.

Truth #atozblogchallenge

words by Pablo Neruda

Words we speak cover up reality.

We say, “Yes, I can do that for you.”
We say, “Thank you, I love it.”
We say, “Oh, it's no trouble.”

The truth is in the tears you cry before you get out of bed in the morning.
The truth is the avoidance you do because you just don't have an answer.
The truth is you are just way too tired to do one more thing and even though it sounds like fun you just can't.
The truth is that your fear is bigger than the desire.

Truth is rarely ever what we say.
Like rose-colored glasses, our words are our attempts to make everything sound so much better than what it really is.

But the truth… is what you do.

Ritual #atozblogchallenge

Submerged in the water, she imagined the details and drags of the day washing off.

Cleanse me. Prepare me

Stepping out, she wrapped herself in a dark robe, combed her long, wet hair, closed her eyes and again…

Prepare me.

These evenings were always high days for her. She made ready for days before. Tonight, the phone was off. The kids were at their dad’s house.

She peeked out the window.

Just you and me.

Walking into the garden, she saw all of her items in their places.

Candles

Sage

Matches

Wine

Chocolate

Pillows

Blanket

The fire pit had been set up earlier in the day. All she needed was to light it and it would blaze. She had become skilled at building a fire and was sure it would dance for her easily.

She looked up.

Good evening Mother Moon. I am here.

After walking her circle and lighting each candle, she lit the sage, bathing herself in the smoke as she walked around her circle a second time.

Mother Moon

Shine down on me

I’ve secrets to tell you

I’ve burdens to cast off

Bathe me in your light

As I release all that no longer

Serves me well

Her words but not her words. She never knew where the words came from. They felt ancient, almost like scripture, sacred.

The small sprig of sage still smoked. She lit it again, so that it was a small flame and used this to start her fire.

It was sure and true, lighting up and sending sparks flying into the night sky.

Before dropping her robe, she pulled small slips of paper out of the pocket. She was now skyclad. The privacy was a blessing. She could hear drumming, but it was from within her.

Please release me

From all things worldly

That do not serve me

Mother Love me*

The slips of paper were her burdens… things she had no power over and things she wanted to no longer have a hold on her.

After reading each slip, she would toss it into the blaze.

After each slip was released, she walked her circle once more.

I’m gonna break

These chains that bind*

She found her robe and snuggled into her pillows that she had nested on a blanket by the fire. The wine and chocolate were there also.

The moon watched as she thought about the positive days ahead, how she would feel, now that she had mentally let go of the things she could not control. She imagined new actions, positive thoughts and the words that she could use in the coming days. Like a daydream, she saw the scenes play out in her mind.

She slept that night, as the moon rose and the fire died.

*words from Kellianna’s Stonehenge, one of my favorite ritual songs/chants.

Queen #atozblogchallenge

I wrote about patriarchy yesterday.

There are people, men and women, mostly because of their own fears and insecurities, who don't like the idea of a matriarchy. I've heard people talk as if women just want power in order to subjugate men. Feminism is threatening. Of course it is... if you are afraid of being treated the way history has treated the other!!

But matriarchy isn't like that.

Chess is a perfect example of male and female power. In chess, the King is the highest and most valuable piece. But the most powerful piece is the Queen. She can move in any direction and as move as far as she wants. And like all the other pieces, it is her sole mission to protect her King.

In the tarot, the Queen represents the emotional center for the suit she is in. The Queen is the heart. When she shows up in a spread, she can represent fertility, sexuality, nurturing and other aspects of feminine energy.

But like every good partnership, she works best when she is found with a King or a Knight. Love and excitement are in the air when they are close. But be cautious when the Page shows up, because a Queen should never lose her heart to a knave.

I mostly relate to the Queen of Cups. She is closely connected to the ocean and the moon and how they interact with one another. She is deeply intuitive, able to know secrets that no one else knows. She is an excellent listener and people automatically pour their hearts out to her. When she shows up in a spread, reversed, it can indicate deep melancholy, heartbreak. She can be withdrawn and aloof when feeling overwhelmed or hurt.

Feminism is about good partnerships. Matriarchy is about protecting the family. Queens protect the King/Kingdom. As women, it is time to stop being afraid of our "Queen". It is time to find strength in our femininity. The way we interact with the world, through emotion or intuition or feelings, isn't wrong. It is different that the masculine way of interacting. But necessary and needed.

Patriarchy #atozblogchallenge

Patriarchy is the idea that families and societies are ruled by fathers, grandfathers and males. 

In marriages and families, the wife and the children assume the name of the husband and father. Earlier in our own American history, if you were a woman, you would not have even been allowed to own property. Your father or your husband would own the property and you would pretty much be at their mercy. Daughters were usually a burden. If they could not be married off, they would become a drain on the family. Daughters were a liability rather than an asset. Sons, however, were a blessing. They could work. They could become apprentices. They could own businesses. They could take over the family business. And if something happened to the father, the mother and any unmarried daughters would became the responsibility of the brothers... at best.

I'm in a bit of a transition. Personally. 

I'm close to the point where I can legally resume my maiden name. The name that I assumed as a younger woman, the name that belonged to my husband, I can legally divest myself of it. But for what purpose? At that point, I become my father's daughter again, because the name I would go back to belongs to my father. 

I considered assuming my mothers maiden name. But her name belonged to her father. I don't know why this makes me so angry... maybe because I feel like, as women, we have never owned ourselves. I will never have the option of reclaiming the identity of my matriarchs. My grandmother, my great-grandmother... all their names belonged to husbands or fathers. I don't even know how to reclaim their identity.

Patriarchy named me Lail. Then it named me Caldwell.

Now what?